KennethRing

The common appearance to man is perfection.  When that common appearance changes to imperfection we seek help to bring it back to perfection.  This is where the first decision comes into play.  What kind of help do you seek?  Conventional wisdom personified by the medical system, spiritual help through prayer and seeking God whatever he is to you, or what we have come to call alternative medicine which includes everything from vitamins, herbs, massage, cleansing in various forms to a myriad of procedures.  There are choices.  Many, many choices.  The situation changes when you are led to believe there is only one choice.  Not so.  Look into all of them and give them equal attention.  Read books.  There are many books out there on every condition.  Find your experts and go to the library or purchase your books, but read, read, read everything you can get your hands on now.  Everyone must make the decision for themselves because each method has it’s successes and failures.  But I do encourage you to research, study success rates, do background checks on physicians or practitioners of any sort that may be attending to you or your loved ones.  Do not accept anyone’s word until you are satisfied  that you understand the practices and success rates of those practices, and of the hospitals/clinics you will be frequenting.  This is the foundation of sound decisions which will be the peace of tomorrow.  It is what helps you live with yourself and your loved one no matter the outcome.  Too many people are duped into thinking there is only one right way to do these things and that is just not true.  One of the treatments we found helpful for my husband was acupuncture to help with pain and swelling.  It helped him to cut back on pain killers, but it certainly was not recommended to us by anyone in conventional medicine.  That is why you must do your homework.  There is much to be done and it can be confusing.  Go online and use your favorite search engine.  Put in the name of the disease, condition etc., and ask for the best treatments.  You will come back with thousands of possibilities.  Put in your doctor’s name or your hospital and ask for success rates.  Take nothing for granted.  This is your life.  Treat it with the utmost respect.

In the evenings when you’re alone you think of a lot of things you wish you had done in your life.  You think about people you lost touch with.  You think about people you love and haven’t seen for a long time.  You think about lost opportunity and couldabeens, shouldabeens, and your favorite wouldabeens.  If you just hadn’t done this or that, than that would have happened, or if you had done this instead of that the whole world would have changed, but in fact, you didn’t.  You did what you did.  The choice was made, the die was cast and the world went the way it did and you can’t change it no matter what.  So, let’s stop spinning our tires as my husband would say, and let’s get back into a positive mode again.  It’s beneficial and even a little fun to enter that world of what if, but  if you stay too long it cripples you and you can ‘t find your ticket to get back to the strong positive spot that we need to be in to survive.  So, tonight I tell myself and share with you, my ticket is in my hand and I am heading back to today after an all day visit to coulda, shoulda, woulda.  Boy, it is good to be back.  Even though I have to live with things the way they are today and they are the result of the choices I have made, good or bad, it is still my starting point for tomorrow.  Now I have what I need to move on and try to put my life back together.  The next time I visit that place I won’t stay so long.  It is much better to deal with reality today.

One of the purposes of this blog site was to share experiences that so many of us have had with the American medical system, good and bad.  But before we got into that part of the conversation I wanted to lay a foundation for my and my family’s experiences by sharing a little about my husband’s passing and what it has meant to us.  That is the reason for the blogs that begin with the one named “Beginnings”.  There are so many things I have learned in this short period of time I call a crash course in life/death that I would have never known before.  Even though I had lost people in my life such as wonderful grandparents, my sweet and beautiful niece, my gentle and caring Daddy, my father-in-law with the best sense of humor, none of these prepared me for my husband’s passing.  Forty four years is a long time of “sunrise, sunset” and it is difficult to continue as so many people know.  But we have lots of reasons to go on and they would want us to do so.  So, here are some of our experiences and I hope you will join in with yours to be able to unload some of what you are carrying around.  It helps to lighten the load.

I will start by saying this is the last thing we would have expected at this time because Kenny was such a healthy person during his life.  The only thing that ever gave him trouble was his back from years of lifting and a hip injury from being kicked by a horse.  When we both were contacted by phone one autumn day to be informed that he had cancer, we were shocked.  We were especially shocked when my husband, who was in the middle of his work day at our auto repair shop, was  told bluntly “you have cancer,” with no preparation and the follow up was, “ I made an appointment for you at so and so, please be there.”  He was devastated and had to find a quiet place to deal with the news alone.  And to me they said, “I need to make an appointment for your husband’s carcinoma.”  I said, “there must be some mistake, he doesn’t have anything like that we don’t need an appointment.”  They assured me he did.  That was our introduction to the world we were about to enter.  And it was strangely appropriate for what would follow.

The next step was the appointments where we were given the full picture of his condition.  Only there was disagreement over the severity of the cancer.  We were dealing with a team of surgeons and the first one told us it would be a simple surgery and that the cancer was not serious.  He wouldn’t even need radiation or chemo.  We left greatly relieved and telling each other this was something we could deal with.  We contacted family members that were waiting by their phones to see what we learned.  Celebrations!!  We can do this!

That brings us to the second part of the surgical team who was not so encouraging and literally shocked us right out of our seats by saying, “well this cancer may have spread and we will end up taking several inches of bone and cutting bone out of a different part of your body to replace it and it will take you months to recover, maybe chemo and radiation.”  What?  That is not the other surgeon said.  “Oh, don’t worry!  You’re a big strong man, you’ll come through this just fine.  Just leave it to us.”

Our biggest mistake at this point was in not seeking a second, third and even fourth opinion.  The ending might have been completely different if we had.

Many people have gone to other physicians after their first devastating opinion was given to them and were given different diagnoses altogether, or the same diagnoses with alternative treatments which were quite successful.    My advice to anyone in this situation is don’t be afraid to ask questions, seek multiple opinions, and look into alternative methods.  There are many, many kinds that are very successful.  As you can see we were not given any credibility as knowing what was best for us, or being intelligent enough to have an opinion that mattered.  Should anyone find themselves in this situation or a similar one, you be in control of your life and your treatments.  Don’t be steamrolled!

More later.

Another new day has come, and with it fresh experiences.  And even though we don’t like to think of a loved one’s passing as being the predecessor of positive change, it certainly can be.  Because we are grieving we feel  the  one who is missing demands sadness.  Not so!  Healthy changes, painful changes are all  part of  a balanced life.  Everything happens for a reason, nothing is unplanned in the universe. And so we wait, sometimes nervous because we fear change, and sometimes with joy because we are so ready to launch.  And the universe pauses with breathless anticipation, anxious for us to come home and join with the Power that created All and is All.

That brings us to this moment, the one that is waiting to be molded by you.

Look to the Creator, to the stars and find the moment.

It’s a new day and there are things to do and decisions to make.  I now have to decide if I should stay in my home which I really cannot afford to do, or should I sell, rent it out, or trade with someone suitable.  The  time for mourning is shortened but not softened by the practicalities of life.  Now it is a new day and it is time for sound decision making.  I am looking in the newspaper for rentals, asking people I know if there are any good ones in their area, watching for deals that might be affordable.  But, not seeing anything that looks tempting yet.  That’s alright because there is so much to do to get ready for whatever comes.  Forty four years of memories to go through, raising children, souvenirs, and some things that should have been done away with years ago.  How will I ever get through all there is to do, sell/rent a home, distributing things to the family I want them to have, and still keep up with the day to day schedule and legalities I am dealing with concerning Kenny’s passing.  There is way too much to do, but it is the way of our culture that makes this time of your life pressure filled instead of the peace that should be allowed to you on the passing of a loved one.

But now I would like to make reference to the service we had for Kenny.  It was beautiful and very meaningful to me and our children and family.  We arrived at the church we had chosen for his services, Center Chapel,  instead of a mortuary, at 10 a.m. to set up the things we brought to honor him and his time here on earth.  Included was his beloved trumpet that he had taken lessons on as a child, as did our older son.  He had it repaired and refinished a few years ago and it shined like a new horn.  He played that trumpet at our youngest son’s wedding, and he liked to get it out and play it on holidays or when he was happy.  He was very good at the trumpet and held first chair in the Muncie Central Bearcat marching band.  It sat proudly in amid all the flowers.  Also included were picture collages our daughters and daughter in law put together, pictures of him at important times of his life, school days, accomplishments,  weddings, new babies, holidays, all evidence of a rich full life.  Our eldest son had a display on his computer of Kenny’s life.  We did anything and everything we could think of to honor him.  And then the calling hours began at 11 a.m.  and so many people came to pay their respects and tell us interesting stories of how Kenny had helped them at one time or another with their cars, or maybe they had worked with him at one of his places of employment and they would tell us funny things that happened, or tricks that were played, or maybe they cried because they were going to miss him so much and who would they find with the knowledge of cars he had that goes back to the 1950’s and earlier.  One of the most important family members in attendance was our Border Collie, Bridget.  We got special permission from the pastor to bring her as one of Kenny’s best friends.  After all, she went to work with him every day and is a real lady with excellent manners.  She would go to greet people as they came in  and then would go politely to an out of the way place to lie down until the next greeting.  Everyone loved her.  So, appropriately there were tears, smiles and laughter.  That’s the way life should be.  When we went in for the service our pastor did such a wonderful job with it.  He talked to each of us about our memories of Kenny and pulled us up to a new level of understanding of how important we all were to each other.  And he spoke of what a good man Kenny was and of course how much he had helped him with vehicles.  Kenny was a “master” mechanic.  He really did go to the Master and ask his help with problems he might be having with a certain vehicle.  Many times he would tell me of something he was working on that was particularly difficult and he would pray and the answer would come.  He would know exactly what to do to fix the problem.  Sometimes he would even dream the answer.   We were very fortunate to know this man and to be his family.  And at the end of the service that concluded everything.  There was not two long days of calling hours, services, and rides to the cemetery.  It was quiet and peaceful, not long and stressful.  When we left we felt uplifted instead of heavy grieving.  We were very grateful for such a wonderful way to celebrate and honor his life.

My first  beginning after Kenny left was adjustment.  The first night without him.  It was treacherous territory because it was new.  I had not been without him in my life for forty four years.  I was eighteen when we married and he had turned twenty, two weeks before.  Two kids that thought they were grown up but were  barely out of school.  We should have been getting ready for college, but we decided Sonny and Cher were right.  “I Got You Babe”.  That was all we needed, each other and thousands of dollars to take care of us and the babies that were coming up.  And so we got married and lived happily ever after?  Hardly!  There were lots of hard times ahead.  We were babies raising babies.  But we pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps and by the time Kenny walked off into the sunset without me, we had raised four wonderful children into adulthood, and had nine amazing grandchildren and their wonderful mothers.  We owned and operated four successful businesses and had many other jobs besides.  We had a house, eight acres with a pond and catfish that Kenny and  all of us loved.  So life was interspersed with the good times and the hard times, but life went on as it always does, flowing like a river.

Then one day before we were ready we had to say goodbye.  Except we didn’t get to do so.  We turned to look one more time but it was too late.  He was gone and I didn’t get to see those beautiful eyes twinkle one more time with the joke he was telling me or the trick he was playing on me.  At that last moment I was bereft.  Beyond consolation.  But later as I thought about it I knew it was the best thing.  You see the last four months of Kenny’s life he couldn’t speak.  A complication from the treatments he received.  Four months without speaking, eating (he had a feeding tube) barely sleeping, and weakness from weight loss.  The list could go on.  But he was a brave and proud man and he met every day and every indignity with courage.  He never complained one time.  He allowed me to do whatever needed to be done without protest.  He kept his dignity.  Then, the day before he passed over to the other side, an uncaring, heartless physician looked at him and treated him like a piece of meat instead of a human being.  Kenny stared at me looking deeply into my eyes as he was being verbally attacked by the “doctor”, the “healer”.  He never looked away until it was time to leave the office.  One thing I have to add here in defense of loving and caring physicians, nurses and caretakers everywhere.  We have had “angels” in attendance with so many of these wonderful people that did everything  they could to help Kenny have relief and the best care they could give to him and for that we are eternally grateful.  I believe all of these good people know who they are since we don’t print names and they have my complete respect and gratitude.  Thanks to every one of you.  And I believe the one responsible for the actions above would also know who he is but would never accept responsibilty.  So be it.  Now, back to the blog.  The rest of the day there was little communication.  By the next morning he was too weak to get to the bathroom and I had to call my daughter to come over and help me get him back to bed.  When we got him to bed he turned over and went to sleep and never woke up.  His breathing seemed normal but he did not wake up.  I did two tube feedings during that day but he didn’t wake up.  He just slept and breathed.  Myself, two daughters, and Kenny’s mother kept the watch over him, doing the things around home that were needed, preparing for him to wake up.  Finally, a little before five o’clock p.m., my daughter said, “I think we should wake him up before I leave.”  So, we went in to awaken him.  I began to talk to him about waking up, but there was no response, just heavy breathing.  So I massaged his hands and arms talking to him, but nothing.  I pushed on his chest a few times beginning to wonder, and massaged his legs and bent them to get blood moving, but they actually felt a little stiff.  And still there was nothing.  Then suddenly there were three strange gasp like breaths, and then quiet.  We all stared and began to cry.  My other daughter called 911 and told them we needed help, her Dad had quit breathing.  Finally ambulance, police cars, fire trucks showed up in great numbers.  We had become a crime scene investigation because he died at home.  Not too long ago most people died at home.  Now it is a possible crime to investigate and understandably so with murders, drug overdoses, break-ins, etc.  Just another indignity perpetrated upon us.  Although, we did try hard to comfort the police that felt so guilty standing there watching us cry and sob and grieve.  Still it made everything more difficult.  Once I had a little control over myself I went back into the bedroom where he was on the bed.  It was so completely apparent that he had vacated the body.  I realized at that moment he was free of that body that had suffered so much being done to it in the last year and a half.  He was free and I was grateful.  Now he could walk and talk and sing again (he liked to sing country music when he was feeling good) he could even eat and drink I bet.  Free!  Even though we were missing him terribly already we were all so relieved for his sake.

So that was the end of that terrible day and it was the first “beginning”.  Going to bed without him in the house.  Sleeping through the night knowing he would never come home again.  By the time I got to bed I was so exhausted I actually did fall into a sound sleep for a few hours.  And then a miracle happened to me that some people will understand and some won’t.  I had a dream about Kenny.  He came to me and we were in a different setting and looked different than we do now.  He looked at me and said, “I want you to know that nothing is going to change.  Our relationship will go on as before.”  We talked for a while and then we kissed and parted.  And that is the way it has been.  Our relationship goes on.  There is no death.  Energy simply changes form.

One of the things you find when you lose someone you love is the immediacy of beginnings.  It begins with your first moment without them in your visual world.  It then proceeds to one hour and on until the first day is complete.  And of course for each of those beginnings there has been an ending and therein lies the pain.  As those endings rain down upon you, sometimes becoming a storm, there is the realization of what will never be again.  The smile you loved so much, the private jokes, the “someday” plans, something as simple as your next meal, or a cup of coffee together.  Endings.  But make no mistake.  With each ending there is a beginning and that is the important thing.  What do you do with the next second, the next hour, and what looks like endless days stretching ahead without them.  That is the point.  To honor them and their life here and to honor yourself and your remaining time is the goal.  That is where “Beginnings”  come into play for today and tomorrow.  To “begin” by honoring the Creator and all of His creation here and on “the other side”.  Both exist in harmony.  For some that honoring is prayer and peaceful meditation with God, for others it may be as simple as realizing their loved one is not “dead” but has simply changed forms as the law in physics states.  Both are “beginnings”.

The simplicity of prayer.

The realization there is no death but a changing of form.

“Begin” to heal one moment at a time.

Don’t ask more of yourself than that right now. Those moments will gather creating a healing balm for your heart, your loved one, and your “beginnings”.

This site is named for Kenneth Ring Sr. who recently passed away after a year-long involvement with the so-called Health Care System.  The site is written by his wife, Marsha Ring and is administrated by his son, Kenneth Ring Jr.  Feel free to register and follow the site to learn about Kenny’s journey and what his family learned in the year before his passing.  The family’s hope is that their understanding of the mistakes that were made will help others to avoid them.